Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage has sensationally committed suicide during an otherwise mild and not particularly politically charged discussion on BBC One’s ‘The Politics Show’.
Farage, who had recently resigned his position in the party to concentrate on failing to achieve a Westminster seat later this year, was scheduled to make a statement criticising the wearing of burkas in public places. In the event, he slowly removed a World War I era Enfield pistol from his pocket and blew his brains all over Salma Yaqoob, chief media sound-bite provider of the Respect Party. Visibly fazed by the incident, she valiantly countered his argument: “Live and let live….freedom…rights…socialism…er…Iraq…erm…did I mention freedom?”
Presenter John Sopel was less surprised, stating later that “we all knew he was going to say something a bit thick, but it takes an incredibly brave man to argue that he would feel a bit iffy if somebody sat next to him on the Tube in a balaclava. In the grand scheme of things, maybe he chose the path of least resistance”.
The prominent EU pariah had been known principally for looking more like an archetypal Tory than a Surrey MP and for his proposed solution to what he dubbed the ‘European Problem’. Launching his party leadership bid in 2006, he stated: “I think we should take off and nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”
“We don’t know if some kind of biological agent will even affect them – any virus would probably be more afraid of Baroness Ashton than she is of it.”
It is unclear as to what the future is for the eurosceptic party as Farage’s leadership successor, Baron Pearson of Rannoch, was revealed to be a figment of the former leader’s imagination. Robert Lipton-Smythe, a UKIP member from Guildford, asked “Where the fuck is Rannoch anyway?”
Taking time out from his ministerial responsibilities for children, adults, schools, families, homes, workplaces and leisure time, Ed Balls contacted the BBC and cackled maniacally down the phone for approximately seven minutes.
